3CB

I had my first cigarette today. Well, technically, it was my second. My first ciggie was almost ten years ago. My baby was asleep in the bedroom, and her dad suggested I should have a smoke. He figured I should just give it a try. After all, he said, who knew what I was missing? So I lit up an Embassy Menthol. I managed to do it without coughing. I suppose it’s because I didn’t inhale. I just took it in my mouth and then blew it out again. I’m not sure how I knew to do that – it might have been because of his advice. I did feel relaxed afterwards, and I thought I looked, really, really cool. I wondered why I hadn’t smoked before. There isn’t a particular reason – I just never had the interest. He suggested he would get me some vanilla in my smokes – he knew all about my sweet tooth.

Today, I felt stressed for no real reason. I think it’s just a pile-up of everything. There are moments in this life when it just seems the world is closing in on you. Earlier this week, I thought I’d kill my demons with mad sex. Today, I thought about a cigarette. So I tried to bum one off a pal, but he wouldn’t give me any, so I went to the kiosk. Another pal suggested I get Dunhill. It’s a pretty little ciggie, all white and classy, for only 7 bob.

I thought that I would feel better, all rested and relaxed. But again, I didn’t inhale. It just went in an out. It kept me from embarrassment and coughing, but I didn’t get the therapy I needed. Stunk up my breath though, and my t-shirt smells like smoke. Plus, it’s out of my system now, unless I just go nuts and look for weed.

When I got into advertising, I promised myself I wouldn’t pick a habit. No, that’s not completely true. I just hoped and hoped and hoped it wouldn’t happen, and so far, it hasn’t. But sometimes, you just want to go far, far away, and hide inside yourself, and if you can’t, you hide in other things.

I’m not really worried though. I know this too shall pass. I have a great life. I do work that I love, I have beautiful child[ren], I have a pretty house and an angel of a mboch, and my hair is just perfect! My life is good. When I came back from buying smokes, I saw the red X6. It was a KBJ. I’m going to drive that car one day. I don’t really know how, but I will.

But for today, I will go and have some burgers with my friend. We will talk, and we will smile, and we will feel all better. We’ll have cake and sweets and chocolate, and then we’ll go home to the babies, and someday soon, when we wake up, all the craziness and pain will be far, far away. Also, no more ciggies. They don’t really help.

If you know anything about me … or if you’ve read my work … then you know that I have issues, the least of which is being a gay guy with lady parts. I should probably explain that. I’m not a transvestite or anything like that, and all my parts are xx, pun well intended. I’m just a fairly boyish girl with a Double D chest. I assume it’s a result of having way too much testosterone in my blood. It makes me walk like a guy, keep short hair, have a strong jaw, and eat about as much teenage boys. That applies to food as well. I’m not in any way bisexual, but I do sometimes whistle at hot girls, and I feel immensely drawn to pretty boys. Like this one, for example.

But that’s just the preamble. The real story is how I was a dude for a day. Or two. Actually, it’s Thursday, so make it more like four. It all started by being a girl, which isn’t something that I do often. See, usually, when I see a boy that I like, I react in one of two ways. Either I ask him out directly, or I pretend to ignore him completely. The latter is generally a mask for my … um … feelings … because while I’m ignoring him outside, I’m either drawing maps, or ripping on the inside, pun totally intended.

I had this one boy try to make a move on me. He was the smooth type, all prolonged handshakes and stroking my arms and playing with my neck-tag. He gave up after a few hours, because he could get no effect from having his soft hands so close to my … chest. If only he knew. Sigh.

I don’t know why he didn’t get it – I was high on innuendo. Maybe it’s because I said it with straight face. It turns out flirting works best when you’re shy and demure, twiddling with your hair and batting with the lashes, neither of which I do very well. I’m more of the look-him-in-the-eye-and-play-with-words type of girl.

Anyway, an interesting thing happened recently. This really pretty boy asked me out. It was sort of a shock to my system, because usually, it’s me that does the asking. And then they run for the hills. I don’t care what men say about confidence driving them crazy, me, I think telling a man you want him makes him take off and leave skid marks. I don’t know what is is exactly. Maybe it’s the notion that they’re not in control. Or maybe it’s the thought that you’ve done it before. Or maybe I’m just asking out all the wrong guys! But I digress. Point is, a pretty boy asked me out, and it changed me. It instantly sorted my esteem, and God knows how that needed sorting. It left me feeling I could have any boy I want, no matter how pretty, and that’s an awesome thing!

So here’s the problem. There’s an awfully high ratio of pretty boys at work. Really, there is. You should come by my office sometime and I’ll prove it. I’m not the flirty type offline, so mostly I just hide inside my headphones, admire from afar, and wait for brainstorms and group projects to be sure they know my name.

But ever since it happened, I’ve been … different. I’ve been looking at these pretty boys and wondering. Wondering how many live alone. Wondering which one might have a girlfriend. Wondering what to do inside that boardroom with those couches. And, much as I hate to admit it, I’ve been looking at those pretty boys, and looking, and sometimes doing so much more than looking …. but all inside my head.

And here’s the thing – the boys don’t even know it!

I looked at one specific boy and tried to gauge what he was thinking. I wondered just what he would do if I walked right up to his desk and asked for condoms and an hour. I almost did once or twice, but I always chickened out. I stared at him, willing him to know what I was thinking, what I was feeling, what I was doing inside my mind. I felt my senses heighten every time he came close. I felt my fingers start to sweat and my knees start to buckle each time I was near his desk.

I looked for moments when he was alone and hovered, willing myself to sit down and speak – or shut up and drive. And each time, I skirted round him, grabbed a random pencil, or a stapler, or a sticky-note, anything to justify my foray to his desk, while the entire time, I was peeling off his shirt inside my mind.

I wondered what it would be like to just ask him, and I smiled a little. When boys say things like that, they get slapped and insulted. But here I was thinking I should really just be honest. I mean, I don’t want to date him. It’s been ages since I’ve thought about relationships. I know I’m a born romantic, but they’re really not my thing. So no, I don’t want flowers and candy and awkward empty small-talk. I just want condoms and and hour, because he’s the most beautiful thing that I’ve seen in a while, and all I want to do is eat him up. I hear I’m really good at that. Oh, and I also want the cuddling, conversation, and fulfilling after-chatter. I hear I’m really good at that too.

But each time I got close enough to say so, I ducked and walked away, sounds of clucking chickens in my head. How would he react? Would he be amused, offended, or shocked? Would he play along to see where it would go? And would I be as brazen in the sheets as I’d been with the proposal? Would he be disappointed if I wasn’t … if I’m not? Would he be gentle with me if I jumped him from the get-go? If I asked him for an hour, would he treat me like a girl?

I debated all these things inside my head, even as my skin singed every time he walked by, which, by the way, was a lot. I started to poke holes in the thing. Office sex is bad. What if it gets awkward? What if he says no? What if he says yes but he’s really, really bad? What if I decide I want more than just one? What if he spreads the word and I become the office sl…

Is it that hard for guys? Do they watch women, undress them in their heads, and walk around in permanent frustration? Do they skirt near them, longing to explode, but sitting there impotent and silent for fear of getting sued? Are there men out there who stare at me with such intense desire yet I barely even notice?

In the end, I decided this really wasn’t me. I mean, my nuts are pretty brazen, generally, especially since they’re mostly – you know – virtual. I figured if I could watch this boy for months and undress him in my head, then there must be something there, but if I’d spent three days talking myself out of it, then I didn’t want to do it. At least … not nearly as much as I imagine. And once I had that thought, the fogginess dispelled, and I could walk right past him and feel nothing … for a while. Still tomorrow is Friday, so who knows what will happen? I’m grateful for one thing though. I’m grateful for my womb and my lady parts, because unlike the pointed anatomy of guys, a boy can’t really tell what you’re thinking just by looking.

♫ Still alive ♫ Lisa Miskovsky ♫

I’m a writer. It’s what I do. It pays my bills and cleanses my soul, and sometimes, I just want to write, even when I have nothing to say. It helps me to think clearly, and right now, I need to think clearly. Sometimes I bang my laptop, no pun intended. Other times, I scribble in my notebook, the one made out of paper. But every time I put things into words, I just feel, well, better.

I’ve been thinking a lot this week. Well, a lot more than usual. I met an interesting person, and he made me happy. I’ve known him for a while, but this meeting was different. It left me … open … and energized. It left me feeling I could do anything … or anyone … and it’s a pretty cool feeling.

Of course, not everyone will agree.

It’s a little bit frustrating because I have a million things in my head now, and I can’t really speak them out. Plus, I have this annoying cold. You know the kind where your nose feels like a block and your temperatures are crazy? It doesn’t help that it’s so hot outside. I almost miss the chilly season. Almost.

The Secret says that when you want something, you see it everywhere. Which would explain why the object of my desire keeps popping up. It should really stop doing that. It might start to bore me before I’ve even tasted it, and that would be really, really sad. Unless of course The Universe is against me. It may have decided that Object is bad for me, and is therefore throwing Object repeatedly in my face, just to make sure I get jaded. Bad, Bad Universe!

♫ The Promise ♫ Tracy Chapman ♫