I have this problem … I am … how you say … multidimensional. Not in the dictionary sense, but in the sense that I can see several different dimensions. And not in the quantum physics sense. To me, Quantum Physics is as intelligible as the theme song for Big Bang Theory. No, I don’t want you to explain it. I love the show though – up to Season 3 at least. After that …
What I mean is I can often see both sides of an argument, and that can get really annoying. Also, draining. So I understand the people who say depression is an illness that needs doctors and drugs. And those who say we should just stop feeling low and feel awesome instead. I see the truth in those who urge us to keep our heads up and see each new day as a blessing. And the ones that want to punch them, because every new morning is torture when you wish you had just died in your sleep.
I feel the pain of friends and family members who ask, ‘Why didn’t I see it? Why didn’t you just ask me for help?’ And I can comprehend the ones who did ask for help and were dismissed because they ‘like their suffering’ or ‘just want attention.’
I know some people see suicide as selfish, because you don’t think about the suffering of those you’ve left behind. And I know what it’s like to be at the point of death, when you think you’re doing your loved ones a favour, when you’re convinced that they’d be better off without you, or worse, that they won’t even notice that you’re gone.
The thing with the suicide decision – because it is a decision – is that you feel it’s the only way out. No one can really understand it unless they’ve been there. And no one can convince you the feeling passes unless they’ve been there … and survived to see it pass.
Also, the saddest thing about (clinical) depression is it always comes back. You can manage it, like HIV or Sickle Cell or other lifetime illnesses, but it never really truly goes away. So if you’re at a point you want to die, some day soon, you’ll be at that point again. And sometimes, it’s the inevitability that makes you take that final plunge, because you want it all to stop, once and for all.
Depressed people (and melancholics) are often accused of enjoying being down. After all, if you didn’t like that dark space, you wouldn’t keep going back to it, right? If you know fire burns, and you keep sticking fingers in it, you must really like the feeling, no? No. depression isn’t like that. It has no logic. It has no reason. It doesn’t even really have a cure. But it can be managed. And you have to want to get better.
I understand people saying that you can’t get better, not while you’re in the throes of the darkness. They want to, but they just can’t. They don’t even have the strength to start. There is a breaking point though. And at that breaking point, you choose which way to go. You decide to make it stop. You jump off the cliff. But you don’t all jump into the same space.
You can jump off into death, where you believe the pain finally ends. Or you jump off into life and get help. By seeing a therapist, or having hands laid on you, or surrounding yourself with people who care, or cutting yourself off from those who don’t understand. Either way, it’s a cliff, and the only one that can jump off it is you.
I’ve been on this cliff a bunch of times in my young life, and I always jumped one way. This time, I decided to jump off the other, into the ocean of love, acceptance, and yes, professional help. Because this ish does end eventually. If someone is reading this and they’re at the wrong edge, I don’t judge them, because I get that. I’ve been there. I’ve felt the promise of peace, rest, an end to it all. But now I’m on the other side, and I see the hope of living, with or without this black dog.
In Chimamanda’s article, she said a lot of creatives suffer from depression. Some of us even glory in it, though not deliberately. We own it, embrace it, accept it as a part of who we are. It’s like we’re almost afraid that without it, we will lose the ‘magic’ of our art. I’ve done that. I’ve told myself how dark songs, dark work, dark poetry is so much more beautiful than happy stuff. Even Ed Sheeran agrees. Yes, he writes the kind of songs that ‘girls eat ice cream and sing along to,’ but he also says he’s a happy person because he puts all his sadness into music and feels better once those feelings are out of his system.
That’s the part we don’t think about – that after the catharsis of writing a depressing piece, painting a dark canvas, or singing about darkness, hades and death, the artist often feels better. Once the demons are down on paper or out on tape, the darkness goes with it. Not always, but often. Artistic muse inspires you, and it can also heal you.
Clinical depression is like AIDS. It’s a lifetime affliction, but it can be handled. And you can’t handle it alone. You have to get help. Because if you don’t get help, this thing can kill you. Again, like AIDS, no one can make you get help. You have to do that part on your own. And like AIDS, you have to seek that help from the right people. Not the ones who will laugh at you, or shun you, or tell everyone about you. You need the ones with skills that can fix you, the ones that will actually help you.
Because something is broken inside you. And if you want to stay here, then that something needs to be fixed, or at the very least, you need to learn the skills to deal with said thing. So don’t be afraid. Or be afraid, but get help just the same. Because no matter how many people want you to snap out of it, get over it, or think of someone other than yourself, there are others who want to help you through this, and they can. For their sake, and yours, don’t give up. Not yet. Not tonight.
♫ One thing ♫ Finger Eleven ♫
Hiya, I am really glad I’ve found this information. Today bloggers publish just about gossip and web stuff and this is really frustrating. A good web site with interesting content, that is what I need. Thank you for making this web site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hiya, I’m really glad I’ve found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish only about gossip and web stuff and this is actually annoying. A good web site with exciting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this web site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hi there. I discovered your web site via Google even as searching for a similar subject, your web site got here up. It appears great. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
Hiya, I am really glad I have found this info. Today bloggers publish just about gossip and web stuff and this is really annoying. A good site with exciting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this web site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hey there. I discovered your blog by the use of Google even as looking for a related topic, your site got here up. It seems to be good. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Awesome post. I am a regular visitor of your web site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I’ll be a regular visitor for a long time.
Nice read, I just passed this onto a colleague who was doing a little research on that. And he actually bought me lunch as I found it for him smile Therefore let me rephrase that: Thank you for lunch! “The guy with the biggest stomach will be the first to take off his shirt at a baseball game.” by Glenn Dickey.
I’ve been exploring for a bit for any high quality articles or blog posts on this kind of house . Exploring in Yahoo I eventually stumbled upon this web site. Studying this info So i am happy to exhibit that I have an incredibly just right uncanny feeling I came upon just what I needed. I so much indisputably will make sure to don’t forget this site and give it a look regularly.
Awesome post. I’m a regular visitor of your blog and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I’ll be a regular visitor for a long time.
I think other website proprietors should take this web site as an model, very clean and wonderful user genial style and design, let alone the content. You are an expert in this topic!
Awesome post. I am a normal visitor of your blog and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I’ll be a regular visitor for a long time.
Hello there. I found your blog via Google even as looking for a similar matter, your website got here up. It seems to be good. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
Awesome write-up. I’m a regular visitor of your web site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I’ll be a frequent visitor for a long time.
Hiya, I am really glad I’ve found this information. Today bloggers publish just about gossip and internet stuff and this is actually irritating. A good site with exciting content, this is what I need. Thank you for making this site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hiya, I’m really glad I’ve found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish just about gossip and net stuff and this is really annoying. A good web site with exciting content, this is what I need. Thank you for making this web-site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hiya, I’m really glad I’ve found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish just about gossip and web stuff and this is actually annoying. A good website with interesting content, that is what I need. Thank you for making this web-site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hey there. I discovered your web site by the use of Google whilst searching for a similar matter, your website got here up. It seems to be good. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Hiya, I am really glad I’ve found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish just about gossip and web stuff and this is actually annoying. A good website with exciting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this web-site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Awesome post. I am a regular visitor of your website and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I will be a regular visitor for a long time.
Awesome write-up. I’m a normal visitor of your web site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I’ll be a frequent visitor for a long time.
Hiya, I am really glad I’ve found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish just about gossip and net stuff and this is actually frustrating. A good site with exciting content, that is what I need. Thanks for making this web site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Awesome post. I am a normal visitor of your site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I will be a frequent visitor for a long time.
Hiya, I’m really glad I’ve found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish only about gossip and web stuff and this is really annoying. A good site with exciting content, that’s what I need. Thanks for making this site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Awesome post. I’m a normal visitor of your blog and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I’ll be a regular visitor for a long time.
Hi there. I discovered your website by the use of Google at the same time as searching for a comparable topic, your web site came up. It appears to be good. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Hello there. I discovered your blog by the use of Google while looking for a related subject, your web site got here up. It seems to be great. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
Hiya, I am really glad I have found this info. Today bloggers publish just about gossip and web stuff and this is really irritating. A good site with exciting content, that is what I need. Thank you for making this web-site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hello there. I found your web site by the use of Google at the same time as searching for a similar topic, your web site came up. It looks great. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Awesome write-up. I am a regular visitor of your site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I will be a regular visitor for a really long time.
Awesome post. I am a regular visitor of your web site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I’ll be a frequent visitor for a long time.
Awesome write-up. I’m a normal visitor of your site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I will be a frequent visitor for a long time.
Hiya, I’m really glad I have found this info. Nowadays bloggers publish just about gossip and web stuff and this is actually annoying. A good website with exciting content, that is what I need. Thank you for making this web site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hello there. I discovered your site by the use of Google at the same time as looking for a related subject, your web site got here up. It seems to be good. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Thanks for helping me to get new thoughts about pc’s. I also have belief that certain of the best ways to keep your notebook computer in prime condition has been a hard plastic material case, or perhaps shell, that suits over the top of one’s computer. These kind of protective gear will be model unique since they are manufactured to fit perfectly over the natural housing. You can buy these directly from the vendor, or via third party sources if they are available for your mobile computer, however not every laptop will have a covering on the market. Just as before, thanks for your ideas.
Hey there. I discovered your site by the use of Google even as looking for a comparable subject, your site got here up. It looks great. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
Hiya, I’m really glad I’ve found this info. Today bloggers publish just about gossip and internet stuff and this is really irritating. A good website with exciting content, that is what I need. Thank you for making this web-site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hiya, I’m really glad I’ve found this info. Today bloggers publish only about gossip and net stuff and this is actually frustrating. A good blog with interesting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this web site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hiya, I am really glad I have found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish just about gossip and internet stuff and this is really annoying. A good website with exciting content, that’s what I need. Thank you for making this web site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Awesome post. I’m a normal visitor of your website and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I will be a regular visitor for a really long time.
Hiya, I am really glad I have found this info. Today bloggers publish only about gossip and web stuff and this is actually frustrating. A good site with interesting content, that’s what I need. Thank you for making this site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hiya, I’m really glad I’ve found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish only about gossip and net stuff and this is actually annoying. A good website with exciting content, that is what I need. Thanks for making this web-site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Awesome post. I’m a regular visitor of your site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I will be a regular visitor for a long time.
Hiya, I’m really glad I have found this info. Nowadays bloggers publish only about gossip and web stuff and this is really irritating. A good website with exciting content, that’s what I need. Thanks for making this web-site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hi there. I discovered your blog by means of Google even as searching for a related subject, your site came up. It looks good. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
Awesome post. I’m a regular visitor of your website and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I will be a frequent visitor for a really long time.
Valuable info. Lucky me I found your web site by accident, and I am shocked why this accident didn’t happened earlier! I bookmarked it.
Hello there. I found your web site by the use of Google even as searching for a similar topic, your website came up. It seems to be great. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
I am now not positive where you’re getting your information, however great topic. I needs to spend some time studying much more or understanding more. Thank you for wonderful info I was looking for this info for my mission.
I do enjoy the manner in which you have presented this particular problem plus it does indeed give me personally some fodder for consideration. Nevertheless, coming from what precisely I have witnessed, I only hope as other remarks pile on that individuals remain on issue and in no way get started upon a tirade regarding some other news of the day. All the same, thank you for this outstanding piece and although I do not necessarily go along with this in totality, I respect your viewpoint.
hey there and thank you for your information – I have certainly picked up something new from right here. I did however expertise some technical issues using this site, as I experienced to reload the web site a lot of times previous to I could get it to load correctly. I had been wondering if your web hosting is OK? Not that I am complaining, but sluggish loading instances times will very frequently affect your placement in google and can damage your quality score if advertising and marketing with Adwords. Well I’m adding this RSS to my email and could look out for a lot more of your respective exciting content. Make sure you update this again soon..