I have this weird thing I do where I look too far ahead. It’s a quality I’ve always been proud of – my not-so-inner overplanner – but now I realise I miss out on a lot. I’m so busy looking forward that I don’t get to enjoy where I am. I only ever have fun in retrospect.

Case in point. A few weeks ago, I turned 37. #4to40 was an amazing hashtag … that I should have used all year … if I hadn’t been so focused on the future. And now that I think of it, I do the same thing every year. I spend 11 months focusing on my next birthday instead of my current one. Then one month regretting the wasted year. And that’s a lot of roses I don’t get to smell.

I’m scared of turning 40, because there’s a shit-ton I thought I’d have done by then, and I’m not even close. But also because my little girl is no longer little. She’s living her own life, and I need to start living mine. But I’ve revolved around her so long I’m not sure what I look like outside her.

Late in 2017, I met my truest friend. It’s been a hell of a year with him, in every way. Emotionally. Financially. Psychologically. He’s taught me to see myself in a new way. To let go of parts of me that weren’t serving me. Parts I thought were permanent, until I shed them. I’m a better me because of him.

That doesn’t mean it’s easy. Best-friend-ship – at least the way I live it – is as intense as a marriage. And we all know how I feel about marriage. Right now, I feel that way about relationships too. I think they’re nice for other people, just not for me, and I’m fine with that. Sometimes, the feeling changes

But right now, I’m happier on my own, despite the baby-daddy’s drunken rants demanding otherwise. And no, the baby-daddy and the hangover guy are not the same person. Yes, I still think he – hangover guy – is a good man. It’s just that he wants kids, I don’t, and he wants kids more than he wants me. I’m over him, I wish him the best, and I don’t do friendship with former lovers (or almost lovers). It just doesn’t work for me. I’m not that grown up.

But in this year with my best friend, I’ve realised I’m doing all the things married people do (including NO SEX hehehe). And I’m realising this is all the permanence I need. Because I’m giving him all the things I’m unwilling to give a spouse. And our relationship is just as much work – and just as much reward – as an actual marriage. Yes, that includes the drama.

In 2018, he taught me new things about myself, and helped me shed some old ones. I have more lessons to learn. To judge less, especially myself. To let go of my need to be right. To truly love myself. And be kinder to myself. Much kinder. To not take criticism personally. To enjoy the moment.

So this coming year, in 2019, I’m not going to be ‘almost 38’. I’m going to be 37. I’m going to live it. I’m going to enjoy it. And I’m going to give more – way more – to me. I hope everyone does the same. (I’ll take Mpesa. Till numbers available on request.) #PleaseAndThank you. #NaUsitumeYaKutoa.

via GIPHY

Stay Zedd

526 thoughts on “The year of me

  1. Awesome write-up. I am a normal visitor of your blog and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I will be a regular visitor for a really long time.

  2. Hiya, I’m really glad I’ve found this information. Today bloggers publish only about gossip and web stuff and this is really frustrating. A good website with exciting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  3. Hiya, I am really glad I’ve found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish just about gossip and internet stuff and this is actually frustrating. A good site with exciting content, this is what I need. Thank you for making this site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  4. Hiya, I am really glad I have found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish just about gossip and web stuff and this is actually irritating. A good web site with exciting content, this is what I need. Thank you for making this web-site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  5. Hiya, I’m really glad I’ve found this information. Today bloggers publish just about gossip and internet stuff and this is really irritating. A good website with interesting content, that is what I need. Thank you for making this web-site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  6. Hiya, I am really glad I have found this information. Today bloggers publish only about gossip and internet stuff and this is actually irritating. A good site with exciting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this website, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  7. I have observed that online education is getting popular because accomplishing your college degree online has become a popular selection for many people. A large number of people have certainly not had a possibility to attend a traditional college or university nevertheless seek the elevated earning potential and career advancement that a Bachelor Degree gives. Still some others might have a qualification in one training but would wish to pursue one thing they now have an interest in.

  8. Hiya, I’m really glad I’ve found this info. Today bloggers publish just about gossip and net stuff and this is actually irritating. A good site with exciting content, that’s what I need. Thank you for making this website, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  9. Hi there. I discovered your blog by the use of Google even as searching for a similar topic, your web site got here up. It appears great. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.

  10. Hello there. I found your site by means of Google whilst searching for a related topic, your site got here up. It seems to be great. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.

  11. Hello there. I found your site via Google while looking for a comparable subject, your website came up. It seems great. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.

  12. Hello there. I discovered your website by the use of Google whilst looking for a related subject, your web site came up. It appears great. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.

  13. Awesome post. I am a normal visitor of your web site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I will be a regular visitor for a really long time.

  14. Hiya, I’m really glad I have found this info. Nowadays bloggers publish just about gossip and web stuff and this is really irritating. A good site with exciting content, that’s what I need. Thank you for making this site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  15. Hiya, I am really glad I’ve found this info. Nowadays bloggers publish only about gossip and net stuff and this is really frustrating. A good blog with exciting content, this is what I need. Thank you for making this web site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  16. Awesome post. I am a normal visitor of your site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I will be a frequent visitor for a really long time.

  17. Hiya, I am really glad I have found this info. Nowadays bloggers publish only about gossip and net stuff and this is actually irritating. A good website with interesting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  18. Hello there. I discovered your website by means of Google at the same time as searching for a similar topic, your website got here up. It looks great. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.

  19. Hey there. I found your website via Google at the same time as searching for a related topic, your web site got here up. It appears to be great. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.

  20. Hey there. I discovered your website by the use of Google even as searching for a similar subject, your website came up. It looks great. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.

  21. Hiya, I’m really glad I have found this info. Today bloggers publish only about gossip and web stuff and this is actually frustrating. A good website with interesting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  22. Hiya, I’m really glad I have found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish just about gossip and web stuff and this is actually frustrating. A good website with interesting content, that is what I need. Thank you for making this web site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  23. Hi there. I found your website via Google even as searching for a similar topic, your web site got here up. It appears great. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.

  24. Hello there. I discovered your web site by way of Google while searching for a similar subject, your website came up. It appears to be good. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.

  25. Awesome post. I am a normal visitor of your blog and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I will be a regular visitor for a long time.

  26. Hiya, I am really glad I have found this info. Today bloggers publish only about gossip and web stuff and this is actually annoying. A good web site with interesting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  27. You could definitely see your enthusiasm in the work you write. The world hopes for more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to say how they believe. Always go after your heart.

  28. I’ve read a few just right stuff here. Definitely value bookmarking for revisiting. I wonder how so much effort you set to make such a great informative website.

  29. Awesome write-up. I am a normal visitor of your blog and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I’ll be a frequent visitor for a long time.

  30. I got what you intend, thanks for posting .Woh I am delighted to find this website through google. “It is a very hard undertaking to seek to please everybody.” by Publilius Syrus.

  31. Hi there. I found your website via Google while looking for a similar subject, your site came up. It seems to be good. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.

  32. Awesome post. I’m a regular visitor of your web site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I’ll be a regular visitor for a really long time.

  33. Hiya, I am really glad I’ve found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish only about gossip and web stuff and this is really frustrating. A good site with exciting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  34. Awesome post. I am a normal visitor of your website and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I’ll be a regular visitor for a long time.

  35. Awesome write-up. I am a normal visitor of your site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I will be a regular visitor for a really long time.

  36. Hiya, I am really glad I’ve found this information. Today bloggers publish just about gossip and web stuff and this is actually irritating. A good website with exciting content, that is what I need. Thank you for making this web site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  37. Hiya, I’m really glad I have found this info. Nowadays bloggers publish only about gossip and web stuff and this is really annoying. A good site with interesting content, that’s what I need. Thanks for making this web site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  38. Hiya, I’m really glad I have found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish only about gossip and web stuff and this is really annoying. A good web site with exciting content, that is what I need. Thank you for making this web-site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  39. Hiya, I am really glad I have found this info. Nowadays bloggers publish only about gossip and net stuff and this is actually irritating. A good site with exciting content, that’s what I need. Thanks for making this web site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  40. Hiya, I am really glad I have found this information. Today bloggers publish only about gossip and web stuff and this is really frustrating. A good blog with exciting content, that is what I need. Thank you for making this web-site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

  41. Hi there. I found your site by way of Google while looking for a comparable topic, your web site came up. It seems great. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.

  42. Hello there. I discovered your blog by way of Google while looking for a similar topic, your site came up. It seems to be good. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.

  43. Hi there. I discovered your blog by the use of Google at the same time as looking for a similar topic, your website got here up. It seems to be good. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.

  44. Hiya, I am really glad I have found this information. Today bloggers publish only about gossip and internet stuff and this is really irritating. A good website with interesting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this website, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *