I have this weird thing I do where I look too far ahead. It’s a quality I’ve always been proud of – my not-so-inner overplanner – but now I realise I miss out on a lot. I’m so busy looking forward that I don’t get to enjoy where I am. I only ever have fun in retrospect.
Case in point. A few weeks ago, I turned 37. #4to40 was an amazing hashtag … that I should have used all year … if I hadn’t been so focused on the future. And now that I think of it, I do the same thing every year. I spend 11 months focusing on my next birthday instead of my current one. Then one month regretting the wasted year. And that’s a lot of roses I don’t get to smell.
I’m scared of turning 40, because there’s a shit-ton I thought I’d have done by then, and I’m not even close. But also because my little girl is no longer little. She’s living her own life, and I need to start living mine. But I’ve revolved around her so long I’m not sure what I look like outside her.
Late in 2017, I met my truest friend. It’s been a hell of a year with him, in every way. Emotionally. Financially. Psychologically. He’s taught me to see myself in a new way. To let go of parts of me that weren’t serving me. Parts I thought were permanent, until I shed them. I’m a better me because of him.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy. Best-friend-ship – at least the way I live it – is as intense as a marriage. And we all know how I feel about marriage. Right now, I feel that way about relationships too. I think they’re nice for other people, just not for me, and I’m fine with that. Sometimes, the feeling changes…
But right now, I’m happier on my own, despite the baby-daddy’s drunken rants demanding otherwise. And no, the baby-daddy and the hangover guy are not the same person. Yes, I still think he – hangover guy – is a good man. It’s just that he wants kids, I don’t, and he wants kids more than he wants me. I’m over him, I wish him the best, and I don’t do friendship with former lovers (or almost lovers). It just doesn’t work for me. I’m not that grown up.
But in this year with my best friend, I’ve realised I’m doing all the things married people do (including NO SEX hehehe). And I’m realising this is all the permanence I need. Because I’m giving him all the things I’m unwilling to give a spouse. And our relationship is just as much work – and just as much reward – as an actual marriage. Yes, that includes the drama.
In 2018, he taught me new things about myself, and helped me shed some old ones. I have more lessons to learn. To judge less, especially myself. To let go of my need to be right. To truly love myself. And be kinder to myself. Much kinder. To not take criticism personally. To enjoy the moment.
So this coming year, in 2019, I’m not going to be ‘almost 38’. I’m going to be 37. I’m going to live it. I’m going to enjoy it. And I’m going to give more – way more – to me. I hope everyone does the same. (I’ll take Mpesa. Till numbers available on request.) #PleaseAndThank you. #NaUsitumeYaKutoa.
♫ Stay ♫ Zedd♫
Hiya, I’m really glad I have found this info. Nowadays bloggers publish only about gossip and web stuff and this is really irritating. A good web site with exciting content, that is what I need. Thank you for making this site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Awesome post. I am a regular visitor of your website and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I’ll be a frequent visitor for a long time.
Awesome post. I’m a regular visitor of your website and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I will be a regular visitor for a long time.
Hello there. I found your blog by means of Google whilst searching for a related topic, your web site got here up. It seems to be good. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
I am continually looking online for articles that can assist me. Thank you!
Hiya, I’m really glad I’ve found this info. Today bloggers publish only about gossip and net stuff and this is actually frustrating. A good website with interesting content, this is what I need. Thank you for making this site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hello there. I found your blog by way of Google whilst looking for a related matter, your site came up. It appears great. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
http://www.gameservices2013.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=bestpornsites.guide
Hiya, I am really glad I have found this information. Today bloggers publish just about gossip and web stuff and this is really irritating. A good web site with exciting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this website, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Awesome write-up. I am a normal visitor of your web site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I will be a frequent visitor for a long time.
Awesome write-up. I am a normal visitor of your website and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I will be a frequent visitor for a really long time.
You could certainly see your expertise in the paintings you write. The world hopes for more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to mention how they believe. At all times follow your heart.
Hiya, I am really glad I have found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish just about gossip and net stuff and this is really irritating. A good website with exciting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this web site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Awesome write-up. I am a normal visitor of your website and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I’ll be a frequent visitor for a long time.
Hiya, I’m really glad I’ve found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish just about gossip and web stuff and this is actually annoying. A good site with exciting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this web site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hi there. I found your website by the use of Google whilst searching for a comparable topic, your site came up. It seems great. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Hiya, I’m really glad I’ve found this information. Today bloggers publish only about gossip and internet stuff and this is actually irritating. A good blog with exciting content, this is what I need. Thank you for making this site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hiya, I’m really glad I have found this info. Nowadays bloggers publish just about gossip and web stuff and this is really annoying. A good site with exciting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this web site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Awesome write-up. I’m a normal visitor of your blog and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I’ll be a frequent visitor for a long time.
Hey there. I discovered your website by way of Google while searching for a similar matter, your site got here up. It appears to be good. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
Hi there. I discovered your website by the use of Google even as searching for a similar topic, your site got here up. It seems to be good. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
Awesome post. I’m a regular visitor of your site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I will be a regular visitor for a really long time.
Awesome post. I am a regular visitor of your website and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I’ll be a frequent visitor for a really long time.
Hey there. I discovered your website by the use of Google at the same time as looking for a comparable matter, your web site came up. It seems great. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Hello there. I discovered your blog by the use of Google at the same time as searching for a comparable topic, your web site got here up. It seems to be good. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
Hey there. I found your website by way of Google while searching for a related subject, your site got here up. It seems to be good. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Hiya, I am really glad I have found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish only about gossip and net stuff and this is really irritating. A good blog with interesting content, that’s what I need. Thanks for making this site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hi there. I discovered your site by the use of Google at the same time as searching for a similar subject, your web site got here up. It appears good. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
Hiya, I am really glad I’ve found this information. Today bloggers publish just about gossip and net stuff and this is really annoying. A good blog with exciting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this web site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hello there. I found your website via Google while searching for a comparable topic, your web site came up. It appears good. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Hi my friend! I want to say that this post is awesome, nice written and include approximately all significant infos. I’d like to look more posts like this.
Awesome post. I am a normal visitor of your site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I will be a regular visitor for a long time.
Hiya, I’m really glad I have found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish just about gossip and net stuff and this is actually frustrating. A good web site with exciting content, that is what I need. Thanks for making this website, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Awesome write-up. I’m a regular visitor of your web site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I’ll be a frequent visitor for a really long time.
Hey there. I discovered your site by the use of Google while looking for a related topic, your website came up. It appears to be good. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Hiya, I am really glad I have found this information. Today bloggers publish only about gossip and web stuff and this is really frustrating. A good web site with interesting content, this is what I need. Thank you for making this site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hiya, I’m really glad I have found this information. Today bloggers publish only about gossip and internet stuff and this is actually frustrating. A good web site with interesting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Awesome post. I’m a regular visitor of your web site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I’ll be a regular visitor for a really long time.
Hiya, I’m really glad I have found this info. Today bloggers publish just about gossip and net stuff and this is actually irritating. A good blog with interesting content, that’s what I need. Thanks for making this web site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hey there. I found your blog by means of Google even as looking for a comparable subject, your website got here up. It seems to be great. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Awesome post. I am a normal visitor of your site and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the nice site. I’ll be a regular visitor for a long time.
Hiya, I am really glad I’ve found this info. Today bloggers publish just about gossip and net stuff and this is really annoying. A good web site with interesting content, that’s what I need. Thank you for making this web-site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hiya, I am really glad I’ve found this info. Nowadays bloggers publish just about gossip and net stuff and this is actually irritating. A good blog with interesting content, that is what I need. Thanks for making this website, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hello there. I discovered your blog by means of Google even as searching for a comparable matter, your website got here up. It looks great. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to come back then.
Hiya, I’m really glad I’ve found this information. Nowadays bloggers publish only about gossip and web stuff and this is really irritating. A good site with interesting content, this is what I need. Thank you for making this web-site, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Awesome post. I am a normal visitor of your website and appreciate you taking the time to maintain the excellent site. I’ll be a frequent visitor for a long time.
Hiya, I’m really glad I’ve found this information. Today bloggers publish just about gossip and net stuff and this is actually irritating. A good web site with interesting content, this is what I need. Thanks for making this website, and I’ll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hiya, I am really glad I’ve found this information. Today bloggers publish only about gossip and internet stuff and this is actually annoying. A good blog with exciting content, this is what I need. Thank you for making this site, and I will be visiting again. Do you do newsletters by email?
Hey there. I found your site via Google whilst searching for a related matter, your site got here up. It appears to be good. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks to visit then.
Perfectly written subject matter, regards for selective information. “In the fight between you and the world, back the world.” by Frank Zappa.